JOKES

[hotrod38]

That is not entirely made up... similar things have happened....
You might want to read Jarhead by Anthony Swofford (I think the scene is in the movie too) True story - Except the cookies

BUB

My father is an ex marine. I know he has that book. I'll have to look for it when I go there for Xmas.

[ZZ]

[Bugeater]

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a
small cat jumps up on the stool beside him.

The bartender comes over, and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.

What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please".

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same," and the cat says
"I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender.

"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not
paying for it" says the cat.

"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the
cat?"

The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight
pussy."


Wayne
Bugeater Brewing Company

[hotrod38]

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university. "Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

[Pestis]

And old man was talking to a young acquaintance, "Lad, look out there to the
field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence
stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call
me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how
smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I
carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call
me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya
see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier
with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously,
trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat..."

and another...

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am
Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said,
"God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did
NOT."

[baltobrewer]

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

A: Not being a fucking retard.

[baltobrewer]

A farmer comes home one night from a long day in the fields. His wife, who is somewhat frigid, is already in bed, half asleep. She wakes up as he enters the room and notices that he has a sheep under one arm. She looks at him oddly.

The farmer says "see here, this is what I've been fucking when you're not around."

"My god, that's a SHEEP his wife says...

"I know," says the farmer. "I was TALKING to the sheep."

[BadRock]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Nebraska rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.

I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'