JOKES

[Blowmax10]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure?"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

""Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.

[thatguy314]

A rabbi and imam and a priest were all sitting around discussing whose god was the greatest.

The imam said "My god, Allah, is the greatest. Just the other day I was cross the street, when a bus flipped over and careened right at me. I prayed to Allah, and with an outstretched arm he lifted me to safety out of the bus' path of destruction."

The priest said, "Oh, you think that's special, do ya boyo? Why just last year I was driving down a mountain pass when a deer ran out in front of me. I swerved to avoid the poor creature and inadvertently drove right off the side of the cliff! Just then I prayed to Jesus Christ and by his grace both my car and I safely landed at the bottom of the mountain unscathed, and I was able to get home half an hour early!"

The rabbi laughed. "You think that's good? That is nothing. Why, just last Saturday, I was walking to the synagogue when a giant bag of money fell out of an airplane on the ground in front of me! There must have been $10 million! But it was the Sabbath, and by Jewish law I was not allowed to handle money. So I prayed to Ha'shem and felt his light upon me. Suddenly, to the right of me it was the Sabbath, to the left of me it was the Sabbath, but in front of me it was Tuesday!"

[Bugeater]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mpg, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO IN THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

[Dirk McLargeHuge]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mpg, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Patrol in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and how to handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.

"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."

"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.

"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.

"Well WHO IN THE HECK is it?" screams the chief.

"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

"I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!"

[Gridiron Brewer]

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. Nurse, he mumbles from behind the mask, Are my testicles black? Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands. He struggles again to ask, Nurse, are my testicles black? Again the nurse replies, I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands. The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. Nurse, he mumbles, are my testicles black? The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, There's nothing wrong with them. Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, I said, are my test results back?!

[Blowmax10]

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
would have $49.00 today.


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have
$33.00 today.


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.


But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would
have received $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily
& recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.


A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
to the gallon!


Makes you damned proud to be an American.

[Blowmax10]

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common ex pressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[Bugeater]

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane. He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care or the economy when you don't know crap?"

Then she went back to reading her book.