JOKES

[mordantly]

here is the entire story Golf talked about on the latest Good One err.. Lunch Meet

Code: Select all

Robot Golf Caddies

3-IX-07

A man wants to play golf and approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie,"

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today"

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"

The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week" A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please"

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the hell could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, two robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."

[TimC]

Alabama State Rep. Alvin Holmes:
You know when Israel had sinned, and God was tryin' to decide who he goin' send down to save the earth... somebody had, had suggested that he send Abraham. He told Pharaoh that Sarah was his sister, not his wife. Then Noah came and said... Noah said... Noah was a little... little... little wino!

Alabama State Rep. Mac McCutcheon:
I never heard that in Sunday School.

Holmes:
You ain't never heard Noah was a... was a... was a wino?

McCutcheon:
No.

Holmes:
Yeah!


The joke? The Alabama legislature.

From a debate on Alabama House Bill 266, a bill to legalize homebrewing in the state. The bill failed 28-45.

[snowcapt]

Alabama State Rep. Alvin Holmes:
You know when Israel had sinned, and God was tryin' to decide who he goin' send down to save the earth... somebody had, had suggested that he send Abraham. He told Pharaoh that Sarah was his sister, not his wife. Then Noah came and said... Noah said... Noah was a little... little... little wino!

Alabama State Rep. Mac McCutcheon:
I never heard that in Sunday School.

Holmes:
You ain't never heard Noah was a... was a... was a wino?

McCutcheon:
No.

Holmes:
Yeah!


The joke? The Alabama legislature.

From a debate on Alabama House Bill 266, a bill to legalize homebrewing in the state. The bill failed 28-45.

I have shown these clowns to a few people and they are just as horrified of them as I am. It is absolutely nuts. Sad thing is, they really dont give to shits about the issue. I think their conviction runs from the amount of funding they get from serious people in higher places. That's the real joke. You can get any politician to tell the constituents anything, if the price is right. I wish things would go back to when politicians were a proud, honest and noble, group. That was short lived, but it formed the country we live in today. I think we could be in a much better society if we people focus on real issues, instead of piddily shit. Shit might even start get ing done.

Any wayss sorry for the rant. Those fuckers!

SOOO, What did the redneck girl say when she lost her virginity?

Get off me pa! Yer crushin my smokes!

[Blowmax10]

Dear Abby,


My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at
me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and lets our
kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the
interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most
of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom
he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and
the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's
with Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can
be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC
---------------------------


Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for
free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can
divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the son of a
gun for the next year and a half!

Signed,
Abby

[Blowmax10]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

[Blowmax10]

The Blue Pigeon

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the city.

He needed to remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop, the people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads.

It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.

'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.

All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?

Do you think the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went?

Do you think he is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon?


Nooooooo!

This will get a smile out of you!


The mayor asked:


'Do you have a blue Mexican?'

[Blowmax10]

New Police Dogs

FROM THE DETROIT POLICE CHIEF:
THE CITY OF DETROIT POLICE DEPARTMENT HAS ANNOUNCED THIS MORNING THAT ALL GERMAN SHEPHERD POLICE DOGS WILL BE REPLACED BY COON HOUNDS, DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE CITY
IS NOT HAVING ANY PROBLEMS WITH GERMANS.

WARNING: If you laughed at this e-mail, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Barack Obama and Rev. Wright will be comin' over to kick your white honky ass!

[Blowmax10]

I just listened to that Lunch meet episode where they talk about the robot joke and I also have that one friend that sends the racist emails

Thought I would share some of them